A Blue Borage Reflection on Choice and the Roles We Carry Within Us
In my work I often meet people who sense something “off” in their family or workplace long before they have words for it. They recognise the tension. They feel the sideways glances, the subtle withdrawal, the prick of judgement that seems to appear from nowhere. Yet when they try to speak about it, the words dissolve.
The Dreaded Drama Triangle gives us a way to see what has been shaping these moments.
It names three roles we slip into when life feels overwhelming:
Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.
These roles do not make us good or bad.
They are old survival strategies, formed in times when we felt too young or too unsupported to respond in healthier ways.
What many people do not realise is that these roles often move sideways.
- Someone who feels powerless may speak sharply to their partner beside them rather than the family member who caused the wound. Ouch!
- A parent carrying shame may withdraw rather than face a difficult truth.
- A colleague who is underperforming may talk down to others, or show they are better than them, because that feels safer than confronting their own fears.
That is the movement of overwhelm, not the movement of truth.
And yet there is another part of this picture that deserves equal attention. A part that is not rooted in fear that is already within us.
The TED* framework honours three healthy roles that stand quietly behind Dr Steven Karpman’s Drama Triangle: Creator, Challenger and Coach.
These are not new personalities we must learn. They are the grounded, capable parts of us that were always there, waiting for space.
Each takes conscious practice, and are easy to see.
Thus our default roles when it comes to times of stress, will be replaced with a way of being that is much easier on us and all those around us.
- The Creator asks, ‘What do I most care about here?‘ and ‘What is one Baby Step that is yours to do in this situation?’
- The Challenger speaks truth with respect, inviting growth rather than collapse. Questions like ‘Is what we’re focusing on here aligned with the project’s outcome?’
- The Coach brings curiosity and support, especially to the parts of ourselves that feel unsure. Questions like ‘What is working that you can build upon?’
When sideways reactions occur, these inner roles can help us steady ourselves. They remind us that we do not have to answer fear with more fear. They offer a path back to dignity.
In families carrying unspoken harm or trauma, these shifts can be profound.
- A person who once folded into silence finds the courage to breathe and stay present.
- Someone who tried to rescue everyone begins to release that burden.
- Someone who has been blamed may finally recognise that the blame was never truly about them.
None of this happens all at once.
Change begins with a single moment of clarity, and one small choice that follows.
In the next part of this series I will explore what it looks like to bring these insights into daily life, and how we can practise the quiet art of stepping out of old patterns with awareness and strength.
Thank you for being here,
Susan
A note from Susan:
Over the coming weeks I’ll be gathering these reflections into a small eBook that brings the full series together, along with practical tools for daily life. If you’d like to receive it when it’s released, and if you haven’t done so already, you’re welcome to subscribe to our monthly newsletter and the eBook will be shared with our community in the January edition.
My next 3VQ® training season begins in February, so if this work speaks to you, feel free to reach out about those offerings as well. To learn more about what we offer click here.
About Susan
I am a trauma-aware facilitator, coach, 3VQ® trainer and founder of Blue Borage. My work supports individuals and organisations to move from drama to clarity, and from fear to conscious choice.