Once we understand why change is hard, and why grief walks beside it, we can begin the real work changing the beliefs that keep us repeating old patterns.
This post is part 3 of a short 3 part series. The links to parts 1 and 2 can be found below.
Beliefs aren’t facts. They’re conclusions drawn by younger parts of us who were doing the best they could with what they had. They become mental shortcuts, designed to keep us safe from old dangers, even when those dangers are long gone.
Below are four steps I use in my work as a 3VQ® and TED*® facilitator, a trauma-aware coach, and someone who has had to walk these steps herself many times.
Step 1: Name the belief that rises up when you hesitate
This is where it starts.
In my childhood home, there were many untrue statements spoken in moments of adult distress. Then I translated them to speak from the first person, as internal files:
- “There’s something wrong with me.”
- “Staying silent is safer.”
- “I’m too much / not enough.”
When you’re about to speak up, apply, try something new and you suddenly freeze, that’s the old file opening. Not because it’s true, but because it’s familiar.
An exercise worth giving a try is to write down the exact sentence.
It’s not hard for the sentence to be found – it is often at the tip of our tongues or roaming around our mind waiting for a chance to remind us!
Naming it turns it from a truth into a belief, or a limiting belief, and it’s out, it gets aired…
That’s the first crack in the wall.
Step 2: Stop feeding it the wrong evidence
Avoidance strengthens beliefs.
Every time you retreat, the limiting belief whispers, “See? I was right.”
Your brain starts scanning the world for proof:
- Someone doesn’t reply? You must be unimportant to them.
- Someone seems off? You must have done something wrong.
This is not reality. It’s old wiring. Self-blame featured a lot in my life, and it takes a long while to break that belief, so I am speaking here from experience. I get it, I know how it feels.
When something uncomfortable happens, ask:
“Press PAUSE here. Take 3 breaths. Now, is that true or is there another accurate explanation?”
Not a sugary one, a realistic one.
Step 3: Let your body learn a new experience
Insight alone doesn’t change belief.
Contradictory experience does.
Take one baby step action:
- send the message (using the Challenger and Coach language of TED* is worth trying)
- ask the question (same, using language that is empowered helps enormously)
- let someone show you kindness (practice receiving, without having to give in return)
- step toward what you want, even by an inch (baby steps all the way!)
These are belief-breaking moments.
This is where the 5-step action planning tool I took participants through in the bonus workshop during Seven Conversations, and the TED* and 3 Vital Questions work, come alive.
Well-defined baby steps your nervous system can tolerate. Baby steps that only you can take, one action only. Then take the next step, and the next. One baby step action at a time.
Baby steps are not weak. They are the foundation of sustainable change.
Step 4: Change the way you speak to yourself
Language helps rewire the brain.
Instead of “I failed”
try “I learned something I’ll use next time.”
Instead of “I wasn’t good enough”
try “I did the best I could with what I had.”
Accurate language reduces shame.
Less shame increases safety.
Safety allows neuroplasticity.
Over time, your inner world becomes less hostile and more honest.
And here is the part I want to say out loud
When I first encountered TED* and 3VQ, something in me recognised home. The Creator, Challenger and Coach roles reflected an inner landscape that gave me realistic hope – I knew they were within me, it became clear to me that the essence of those were often pushed down because I was so well practiced at falling into the reactive cycles when dramas arose and took control.
What I didn’t know then was that the man who created the framework, the late David Emerald, carried his own early story of abandonment and issues with attachment. He didn’t speak about it openly in his public work, yet in our conversations he did. He became a mentor to me, and we often talked about what we both found so compelling and true in the framework. It made sense because it came from somewhere real.
That understanding is woven through David’s work, and when I re-read his book, The Power of TED* now I hear it.
In the early years of my training in the work, the language was centred around leadership. There was a kind of careful line drawn between victimisation, which hinted at trauma, and the mindset of victimhood, which was the safer territory to explore in corporate rooms. The program stayed at that level out of necessity. In the world of executive leadership David served, many people preferred that the deeper layers of human experience stayed out of view – their own and everyone else’s. I see how come that is necessary for some organisations, and so I serve those clients through www.susandunlop.com.au.
And yet, those deeper layers are there.
They always have been. Why would we pretend they’re not? We are such incredible human beings, I fully believe in naming all the parts and pieces that have delivered to where we are now in our lives.
It’s why people who carry developmental trauma often feel unexpectedly seen by the TED* and 3VQ work. Even without naming it, the truth is in the architecture.
I wish David had felt able to name trauma directly to the thousands of people he brought TED* to. It would have helped so many find themselves sooner.
So now I name it. I name it through a trauma-conscious lens and lived experience.
That is part of my vision behind founding Blue Borage in 2024. For me, it is a way to honour the humans this work serves and to meet them fully, not halfway.
Change begins when we challenge the stories formed in fear, not truth.
Gently.
Consistently.
One small contradiction at a time.
When an old belief returns, we can say with a steady heart:
“This is something I can unlearn.”
If you feel interested to explore TED* and the 3 Vital Questions I have easy entry points:
A book to read or listen to, a round of conversation to attend, self-directed companion workbooks, facilitated discussions combined with life and workplace ecourses, through to two-day workshops or longer term sustained learning experiences, and so much more.
It is work I have delivered to individual coaching clients often navigating multiple life transitions at one time; to teens leaving school preparing them to navigate safe independence; and whole teams and leaders across Asia Pacific. My nine-year-old nephew got it! I fully believe if parents are struggling navigating their family dynamics, it will help them. If children can become the role models of conscious leadership, it will lessen the chance of harm happening to them.
It’s understandable, it’s simple, developed for all learning styles, it does take practice, and it works.
Contact me via the website www.blueborage.com.au and we can chat.
Here are the links to Part 1 and to Part 2 of this short series.
Thank you,
Susan Dunlop
Founder – Blue Borage