A Blue Borage Reflection
There are moments in life when you finally understand the system you have lived inside for years but have never been able to name. It might be the sudden stiffness in a room when truth is spoken, or the way a family turns its attention to the safest target rather than the real source of pain. It might be the uneasy sense that you are being pushed to the edge for reasons no one will explain.
For a long time I thought these experiences were personal to me. Now I know they are not. They are human reactions to overwhelm and stress. That awareness is one thing, and finding a way to navigate it without the need for your dagger-deflecting ninja skills, is another.
When people, families or workplaces carry more distress than they can bear, the energy does not always move towards the real problem. Often it travels sideways. A sharp reprimand, sarcastic comment or the cool withdrawal. A shift in tone that leaves you questioning what you have done wrong. Self-blame is a hard thing to shift! Sometimes nothing is said at all, yet you feel the change in the air.
I’ve heard it described as an emotional sting that lands without words.
This sideways movement is not a sign of bad character. It is usually a sign that the system is struggling.
I see this often in the spaces I facilitate. Someone speaks up, perhaps for the first time, and instead of relief, they, or we both, feel a sudden uncomfortable shifting and silence drop in the room. It is not their fault. They have simply named something that others were not ready to face.
Truth has a way of stirring old dust before it clears the air.
Individuals living with unspoken harm, especially across generations, can find these moments overwhelming. The truth is heavy, and people do what they can to avoid its weight. They may deflect, minimise and close ranks. The energy often flows towards the person who is safest to blame, even when that person is also the one carrying the deepest wound.
If you have lived this, you will know the feeling even if you did not have language for it.
You speak or step forward, and almost immediately something shifts. Not always loudly, sometimes so quietly you wonder if you are imagining it. Yet your body knows. Something in you contracts, an old alarm ringing from your past.
I want to say this clearly:
You are not imagining it nor are you the cause of it.
You are noticing a patterned human reaction to unprocessed pain.
This sideways movement shows up in workplaces too.
- Our nursing agency business was a necessity because of this being one huge ongoing issue in the nursing profession, with nursing teams under strain.
- Organisations carrying unresolved tension.
- People turning to those beside them because turning to the real issue feels too frightening or too risky.
- I have worked inside these environments for decades and the pattern is familiar now, even predictable.
What surprises people is how universal it is.
Yet once we name it with empathy and curiosity, we recognise our own experiences almost immediately. There is often relief. Sometimes grief. Sometimes a quiet nod that says, “Yes, that has been my world too.”
This is why conscious communication matters. Consciously pausing, so as not to react and blame or diagnose, and instead finding clarity where confusion once lived.
In the next part of this series I will explore how Dr Steven Karpman’s Drama Triangle helps us see these sideways shifts, and how the Creator, Challenger and Coach roles bring us back to ourselves.
I hope that these reflections bring clarity and self-compassion to anyone who has felt the sideways sting and blamed themselves for it.
You are not alone.
The pattern is older than you, and you can meet it with clarity and choice.
Thank you for being here,
Susan
A note from Susan:
Over the coming weeks I’ll be gathering these reflections into a small eBook that brings the full 3-part series together, along with practical tools for daily life. If you’d like to receive it when it’s released, and if you haven’t already done so, you’re welcome to subscribe to my monthly newsletter and it will be shared with our community in the early January edition.
My next 3VQ® training season begins in February, so if this work speaks to you, feel free to reach out about those offerings as well. Learn more about those here:
About Susan
I am a trauma-aware facilitator, coach, 3VQ® trainer and founder of Blue Borage. My work supports individuals and organisations to move from drama to clarity and from fear to choice.