If you’ve ever felt frustrated with yourself for not changing fast enough, or for slipping back into something you thought you’d outgrown, there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not weak. You’re not undisciplined. You’re not self-sabotaging. Your brain is trying to protect you in the only way it knows how.
The brain cares far more about sameness than happiness.
- Sameness feels familiar.
- Familiar feels safe.
- And safety always wins.
I remember speaking with a psychologist years ago, about the work of Beyond Blue, the suicide prevention line, and his saying something that raised my awareness and increased my compassion for others at the same time.
My recollection of his words go like this:
‘When a man has lived with anxiety, shame or the fear of humiliation for a long time and that began early in life they’re often doing well simply to still be here. Many men can barely keep walking forward day-after-day in ‘sameness’, and can’t fathom the idea of doing something different.’
We had been talking about suicide, and he was talking about men with anxiety in particular that day, and went on to say:
‘Even if it doesn’t seem healthy, if a man reaches for a beer, stares at the TV, cannot lift his eyes off the social media he’s scrolling, it can be better than the alternative that many men resort to (suicide). His numbing his way around the edges of his day can feel safer than making change. He simply will not have a ‘creative mind’ if he’s in anxiety.’
So staying in sameness becomes a survival strategy, not a personal failure.
Dr James Prochaska wrote about this in Changing to Thrive.
His work changed how I listen. He showed that people don’t change because they’re told to, or because life becomes painful enough, or because they “should”. They change when their nervous system is ready. Before that, even gentle suggestions can feel threatening.
He described three common patterns in the early stages of change:
- Don’t know
The person genuinely can’t see the problem yet. - Demoralised
They’ve tried before and feel defeated. - Defensive
They protect the very thing that hurts them because it feels familiar.
When I learned this as a coach, it made sense intellectually.
What I didn’t yet understand was me.
I was moving through the world with old childhood fear patterns running underneath my grown-up competence. I could lead organisations, raise a family, make brave decisions yet inside, the younger parts of me were still doing whatever they could to stay safe. Coaches could sense I needed deeper support but they didn’t have the training to guide me. So I went looking for real help, and that eventually led me to therapy, then immersion in the work of The Empowerment Dynamic, which I later became certified in to facilitate.
I could see the linkage to where developmental trauma comes in.
Dr Karen Horney wrote in the 1940s about how children adapt when safety, love or predictability are missing. Some move towards people, some pull away, and others push against. Those patterns become lifelong coping strategies. They also show up in the human being’s default roles we go to in times of stress: the victim, rescuer and persecutor roles within the Dreaded Drama Triangle*, later in life.
Neuroplasticity tells us the brain can change, but it rarely does while it still feels unsafe. It changes when we feel steady enough to imagine new possibilities.
So if you’ve been stuck in sameness, please be gentle with yourself. The part of you that clings to the familiar isn’t trying to ruin your life. It’s trying to keep you alive in the only way it learned.
Change begins with understanding what’s going on inside, not forcing yourself to leap before you’re ready.
Part 2 of this 3-Part Blog Series will explore the hidden grief and inner conflict that arise when we do begin to change, even in good ways.
If you’d like to discuss this post or any other posts I share in our Voices of Change blog, or bring them in as conversation starters with your organisation or community, please reach out for a chat – I’m here.
Thank you,
Susan Dunlop
Founder – Blue Borage
*We call it the ‘Dreaded’ Drama Triangle in our work, because those roles within Dr Stephen Karpman’s drama triangle (1960s) are toxic if we spend more time playing them, than what they were for – times of stress. Our work helps people name the feelings that have us go into those roles, and the heavy emotions that set off our reactivity, and then shift away to something healthier sooner. It’s all inside of us, and available to us, we just need practice to make that shift. It’s beautiful self-work, that we can model for others, any day, in all kinds of ways.